How I Finally Learned to Not Let Fear Paralyze Me
For several years I didn’t go to the dentist. I avoided it for so long because I was deathly afraid of needles and drills. The longer I put it off, the more burdened I was by the real and imagined fears, like getting a lecture about tooth neglect or being told in my early 30s that I’d need dentures.
The moment of reckoning finally came when I got a toothache just after grad school. When the pain got too intolerable, I gritted my teeth (ouch), shopped for a dentist, and booked an appointment.
Not surprisingly, the exam revealed I had a cavity in each of my molars — 12 in all. Still, it could have been worse. It’s a good thing I had a kind, compassionate dentist who calmed me down and explained how he was going to get rid of those cavities.
It’s funny that a few months before the dentist, I had just undergone a breast biopsy to investigate a lump. After my breast cancer scare, I realized that I could handle the fillings. Despite my worst fears, I got through it.
Whether it’s an upcoming dental procedure or a breast biopsy, I don’t think it’s the actual event that’s scary. It’s the emotions we’re afraid to feel. It’s normal to want to avoid experiences that threaten to be painful. But unchecked fear can get in the way of a life of beauty and unforeseen opportunities.
What Fear Can Do to Us
Fear can have debilitating physiological effects. When I get really scared, my heart races, my breathing gets shallow, and my mouth goes dry. I sometimes get stomach pain. It’s common to experience other physical effects like compromised immunity, changes in eating or sleeping, and disruptions to the nervous system.
Fear can have psychological and cognitive effects, such as depression, loss of memory, compromised thinking abilities, and increases in impulsivity. When the feeling of fear becomes overwhelming we might decide to avoid the experiences that make us scared or uncomfortable, even if they’re necessary or potentially rewarding.
Unfortunately, because of fear I’ve missed out on too many opportunities — auditioning for a university music scholarship, applying for some high-paying jobs, and going abroad to study. I didn’t see the potential payoffs of doing those difficult things; I only saw the risks. I was so afraid of the negative outcomes — real or imagined — that I felt too paralyzed to take chances.
There is such a thing as reasonable fear, the kind that keeps most of us from getting into things we can’t get out of. For example, reasonable fear prevents me from exploring the dark web, driving without a seatbelt, or shopping at a crowded grocery store without a mask during a pandemic.
However, fear shouldn’t be the reason to miss out on things like preventive dental care, a transformative cultural experience, or a lucrative job opportunity. Unchecked fear can interfere with our happiness. It also can distort our perception of present-day reality and keep us from imagining and living a better life.
Feel the Fear . . . and Just Go For It
I still sometimes pull back from making tough, but potentially rewarding decisions. However, I’m trying hard to overcome my unchecked fear. I receive inspiration from Susan Jeffers’s book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Jeffers discusses how important it is to break through our fears and and gain the personal power to experience an enchanted and rewarding life.
My takeaway from Jeffers’ book is that we need to trust ourselves and know that we can make good decisions, despite how much we hesitate to act on them. Self-trust assures us that even if something bad happens, we can handle it. It’s not the bad outcome we’re afraid of; what frightens us is not being able to handle the feelings that overwhelm us.
Here are some things I try to remember when I confront a task, foreseeable event, or opportunity— real or imagined — that provokes my fear:
Define it. Figure out exactly what it is you’re afraid will happen. Write it down as a sentence: “If I quit my job, I’ll lose income and won’t be able to pay rent.” Look at your statement and figure out the likelihood of the outcome you fear. If it’s somewhat realistic but not inevitable, you can go into anticipation mode and take steps to make that outcome less likely to happen. If you can’t prevent the outcome, do something ahead of time to mitigate the negative effects.
Get repeated exposures. The more you experience an unpleasant event, the less scary it’ll seem over time. I still get afraid of an approaching dental check-up. However, getting my cleaning every six months continually desensitizes me to the perky hygienist’s scrape-scrape-scrape treatment. The more I do it, the less anxious I get.
Try incremental doses. Sometimes, one small step at a time is better than going all-in. For example, if you’re considering a job change but feel overwhelmed over where to begin, try getting a side gig. Once you’re comfortable and more confident, look at job postings, and then apply for a position you really want. Taking small steps can help you overcome worrying about the bad things that might happen. In this hypothetical case, you’ll ultimately break free from a job that’s become repulsive to you, even if it’s bit by bit.
Laugh at it. Humor helps us see the absurd, and it deflates even our most gargantuan fears. A few years ago, I was preparing a presentation for a conference at NASA (yeah, that NASA). I was thrilled about the opportunity, but it still stressed me out. A few days before the presentation, I remembered a sketch on Robot Chicken: The scene is an elementary school spelling bee at the Apollo Theatre. As the unforgiving audience sneers and jeers, a frightened girl on stage is comically shaking and looking around while failing hilariously to spell a word. The heckles intensify, and predictably, the Executioner prances on stage to put the girl out of her misery. This chuckle-worthy scenario always calms me down. Be good or be gone, I guess.
Be kind to yourself. How would you respond to a friend who’s staring down a stressful situation? You’d certainly be supportive and kind, wouldn’t you? You deserve nothing less. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling too scared to do something that terrifies you. Show yourself some compassion, and then come up with a plan.
One More Thing . . .
Fear can be a good thing if it protects us from harm and keeps us from doing regretable things. However, excessive fear can prevent us from living life on our own terms and being the kind of happy that others envy. Change can be risky, but crafting a plan, getting support, and having coping strategies in place can help us get past the fear and do what serves our highest purpose.
